I have never recovered from listening to Augustine pray.  His book, The Confessions of Augustine, is a prayer from beginning to end.  The reader is listening to Augustine pray.  We have to be selective as we listen to praying.  Jesus spoke of those driven by wanting to be heard as they pray (Matthew 6:5).  I do not want to listen to them.  But, I desire to be around older sages in prayer.  As you ponder their cries to God, you are left with the impression that it comes from a rich experience of communion of spirits between them and their Father in heaven. 

As I listen to the sages pray, our fathers and mothers in the faith, I discover parts of my own heart that I would not wish to readily identify with such specificity.  Listening to Augustine in that book is such an experience for me. But that brings us back to one brief sentence in the whole book.

“Lord, deliver me from want to be vindicated.”

I wish I had never read that sentence.  It is analogous to what the apostle Paul is speaking to when he spoke of discovering covetousness in his own heart when he read, “Thou shall not covet.”  Augustine, whether I wanted to admit it or not, was showing me the inner yearnings of my selfish and sinful heart.  By nature, I want to be vindicated.  It is not too much to say, I yearn to be vindicated.  I like it when someone says, “Eric, you were right.”  I think I like it too much. 

Since I read that phrase, many years ago when I first read the book of Augustine’s testimony in a longer prayer, that one sentence prayer from godly Augustine has been burned into my conscience.  As I have pondered it, I have concluded that its bother stems from a lethal cocktail of sin, pride, and dominion that reside in my own heart.   That prayer humbles me.  That prayer exposes me.  That prayer brings me to repentance.  I need the change that that prayer has brought to my attention.

I have nothing in my heart that vindicates me before our Holy God.  I am owed nothing and deserve nothing.  Yearnings for vindication are simply overcooked hubris on perceptions of self.  Who am I?  I am a sinner, forgiven in my relationship with Jesus Christ.  I have been given a future and a hope…that I did not deserve.  There is no vindication that explains how a sinner like me has the hope of eternal life.  That is not right.  That is not justice.  But that is the glory of grace and the wonder of the free gift of salvation.  Remembering grace as the basis of our relatedness to God (and not justice) lowers thresholds of yearning for vindication.  I don’t want God’s justice, but I desperately need his mercy (what keeps me from what I deserve).  And that is what we get in Jesus Christ.  The gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ, our Lord.

That one sentence prayer also helps us locate ourselves in what city from another very important discussion hosted by Augustine.  In The City of God, Augustine contrasts the City of Man with the City of God.  The City of Man is driven by conquest and competition and dominion.  The City of God is driven by the glory of God and the attribution of praise to Jesus Christ.  I am (was) an athlete.  Athletes want to win.  I am competitive.  We want to dominate.  We want to go undefeated and prove we are the best.  That drive is a page out of the City of Man’s playbook.  I have been seeking to crucify it for years. 

When we entrust ourselves to God in simple faith, we leave the results to Him…all of them.  Trusting at such deep levels brings us to peace.  Jesus lives!  Jesus rules!  It is His kingdom and His name and His will that are to be celebrated and accomplished.  Seeking personal vindication is a fool’s errand and a monument to hidden pride and a heart that needs the closet of prayer. 

The vindication that we yearn for is not ours, but it is Christ’s (Philippians 2:10-11).  One day, every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.  O Lord, haste the day.  Yearning for that day stamps down desires for personal vindication, that are unhealthy footnotes on our prideful heart. 

Let’s allow Augustine’s prayer to do some good work in our hearts, as we sustain a posture of entrusting ourselves to God, who judges rightly (Psalm 98:9).